A is for Adoption

 First day of my A-Z blogging challenge  Since this is a blog about my life and currently one of the biggest things in my life is trying to adopt my daughter I thought what better word to use for A than adoption. When I first started out on the whole crazy roller coaster that is foster care I started out with one goal in mind and that was adoption. Sure I also loved the idea of helping kids who needed a place while their parents got things back under control but I really wanted a little girl that would be mine forever. We seem to slowly be making our way towards adoption of Princess but nothing is ever sure until the paperwork is all signed. To me there is something amazingly special about the act of adoption. Its so different than birthing a biological child.

  First off of course is that there is so much more paperwork. I thought the birth plan we had to fill out and the hospital addition paperwork was a lot. Well now I know different. First we had to fill out our first packet of paperwork for foster care. It had basic information about us, copies of official documents and of course back ground check paperwork that we had to drop off at the sheriff's department. Then the HUGE binder full of rules regarding foster care, federal and state guidelines. Then the home study paperwork, of course we didn't have to fill all of it but we had to spend hours answering questions with our licensing worker as she filled them out. Then there is the monthly paperwork we have to fill out like the health surveys and such. Now the social worker is putting together Princess' adoption packet which means I get to fill out more information for the social worker which she laughingly told me I would get back at the disclosure meeting.

 The other thing that is so different with adoption is the constant need to prove that you love this child as much as your biological children, not more to the point that your biological children feel jealous but just the same. When my first son was born I never thought I could love anyone as much as I loved him. It was so different from any other feeling I'd ever experienced. I was terrified throughout my second pregnancy because I thought there was no way I could ever love someone as much as I love my son. No way it would be possible especially since I knew it was another boy. I was sure that I would be a failure as a mother to this other child. Nope I loved him just as much. With my Moose, my THIRD boy I wasn't terrified but there was still that nagging fear of how can I love another child as much. My mind kept saying how much I wished he was a girl and that if he'd been a girl there would be no worries but another boy? What if my disappointment caused me not to love him as much? Well I can honestly say that isn't a problem. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't way more spoiled than his older brothers.

 Then we decided to adopt and crazy people we were decided to use the foster system to find our daughter. We didn't really want a baby although to be honest I was hoping she'd be a toddler so we'd get to experience those first and so that we wouldn't be so worried about past trauma being remembered. I also worried about loving foster children, they are children they need to feel loved and safe whether they're here forever or just a week. Could I possibly love someone else's child? Especially one that I knew would only be with us short time or one that had so many needs because of past trauma. Our first two girls came and while it was a bit awkward at first telling them I loved them at bedtime, the awkwardness didn't last long. Socialite went to another foster home because we just couldn't meet her needs. While Angel stayed with us 6 months and we helped her transition into her adoptive home. It was hard to see her go because yes we loved her but we knew this other family was so much better for her and both hubby and I knew she wasn't ours. The two babies we had were under one and I think it is easy to love on babies. There was no challenge to love the babies until one went to his aunts while the other went to her dad. It was good to see them go since we knew it was to good situations and was in the best interest of the children. Hulk and Brighteyes were pretty hard, they were the only ones we've had who cried and wanted their mommy and daddy. Every night they were here they cried for their parents. I would hold them and rock them, we called their parents almost every night. I have never been so happy to see kids go home. We went to their parent's wedding and they sent me emails letting me know how things were going after. Giggles is so easy to love, I'm already dreading her leaving (of course it wouldn't be a problem if I knew she was going to a safe, stable home). And then there's our little Princess. It was a unique situation with her, before she even got here we knew that she was a potential adoptive placement. The social worker let us know that she was pretty sure that that's where it was heading. I think with her I was completely in love with her before she even got here. Now that she's been here six months I think I can safely say I love her as much as I love my boys.